Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Blog challenge (my biggest fear)

Okay so Rori at the Scrapbook Stand posted a challenge about our biggest fear last week, I really couldn't think of one. Well of course I fear losing my family, but I think that is everyones big fear not just mine.
So on Sunday I was driving and I tell you memories of my biggest fear came flooding and I had to do everything possible to focus on the road and not let this feeling overwhelm me. My biggest fear as a child was driving over the Williamburg Bridge here in New York. I always felt that it was not a stable bridge, but it was always worse for me because my dad who was the only one who drove was an alcoholic. Yes and you can imagine he drove drunk, and one day we almost crashed on that bridge and my door open and I had to try to hold it closed while it was still moving. Seat belts were not a requirement then. So just picture it me at the age of about 10 or 11 and struggling to hold closed this door while the car is moving on a bridge on the outside lane. The worst part was that after he stopped the car and closed the door, he just slaps me and tells me it was my fault. Yes he was also an abusive man. Unfortunately that was not the first time we almost had a car accident or almost died. That same summer we went to the mountains to a lake there, and everyone was drinking and all I could think of was WHY? As we were leaving the lake we had to drive through one of those small roads with just trees and trees all around, but the trees were deep as if we were on a cliff driving and then it happened he started arguing with my mom, he then swirved the car when it happened our car was halfway off this road(cliff) luckily we were traveling with about ten cars in tow everyone jumped out of their cars and had to lean on the trunk so that me and my sisters can get out. They were able to move the car back on the road, but I thought this is it were dead. Now back to this past Sunday, I was driving on the New Jersey turnpike and my exit happened to be a bridge that reminded me somewhat of the Williamsburg bridge when all the memories came flooding I was like OMG please dear God help me to steer this car in the right direction, don't let me lose focus on the road I have my family in the car. Well of course I managed, but at the first rest stop I woke up my DH and told him he had to drive. My hands were trembling so bad and my heart was pounding to fast. The memory was as if it was yesterday, I just wanted to scream. I thank God everyday for my life as it is now. I don't live in an abusive home, or an alcoholic home. Is there something wrong with drinking a glass of wine, no but when you drink more than that just one glass of wine or alcohol and then drive YES there is. My biggest fears are a number of things now looking back, one is that I don't want to be like my father, and always hope I'm doing the best for my kids. I adore them. Two is that I set a good example for my kids so that they don't turn to drugs or alcohol, would I love them any less no, but I want them to know that they can achieve anything they want to. Three that I would never be a fool and knowingly drive under the influence of even one drink because I think I can, and four that I never lose control in a car while driving over a bridge. The best things about knowing my fears now is that I can do everything possible to overcome them.

4 comments:

Angela said...

Girl you are a very strong and beautiful person!!!! I have no doubt you are the best mom you can be to your kids!! And you are so true about fears!!!

Rodrigo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Katie said...

Hey Delores...just checking in with my new DT Tally sisters!

Wow, what a touching story. I can remember a time or two with these fears as a child. Not the abuse luckily, but the drunk driving. Very scary!

You must be a very amazing woman...surviving the abuse and then stopping it in it's tracks! :)

shirley said...

Stay strong my friend!

I am tagging my fellow TS DT members, so you too have been tagged! Check my blog for details.