Friday, May 6, 2011

At a loss for words...

I don't even know where to begin. I will begin with some of the emotions I'm feeling right now. Guilt, hopelessness, overwhelmed, anxious, emotionally exhausted, mentally exhausted. I have always said the mind can be your worst enemy. The thoughts can literally take over your entire body. I know nothing is making sense, but that is just how I feel. I can't take the pressure, I am shaking as I write this cause I know what I have been thinking. It's selfish really for me to think that if I end it everything will be alright afterwards. I have had a rough week even more this morning, I need help and I can't really ask for it. Why because my son is my responsibility, I don't see any hope in the near future still waiting for a residential but in the meantime I feel like a little piece of me is dying and wants to die. I cry as write this cause it's not easy to admit. I wish it was easy for me to commit myself into a hospital, but then what of my other kids my husband. Oh and if your wondering where is my husband in all this. He's here and he really is wonderful, but he really doesn't know how I feel. I'm afraid that if I tell him he will worry more, he has health issues and I don't want to stress him out. He tells me he worries about me, and I lie and tell him I'm okay, but I'm not. How can I feel this way? My mornings are probably the worst of my days, the stress of getting Chris ready trying to ignore the things he does or says. I even have Elisa my six yr old telling me Mom just ignore it. She's six yrs old, she shouldn't have to tell me what to do. She is such a bright little girl I always felt that having her later in age that she was a gift of God. When I chose her name I looked for the meaning and this is what I found is it's a form of Elizabeth a Hebrew name and Consecrated by God. What a wonderful blessing, how can I then feel this way even right now. Lord Jesus help me, and to my friends pray for me that I am able to mentally heal, it's not easy. Please don't judge my sharing what I'm feeling here, I just need to vent, to try to clear my mind. Write it down, so that who knows maybe just maybe in the next few months I can read this and say WOW God you brought healing and good friends my way. Thanks for reading

7 comments:

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

Oh honey... I would never judge... as a lot of Mom's go through similar things (including me!) and then you have an added burden on you with Chris's issues... I wish I could reach you, hug you, pray with you....I am just saddened that you are going through this... I am so sorry... I wish I had the right words to comfort/ease your pain... know that you are loved by me...and I will pray for you! :):):)

Angi @ CokiePop said...

You are loved no matter what is going on around you. God gave you the strength and courage to post this. There is ALWAYS HOPE! Take time to get the help you need. You are wonderfully brave to ask for the help too. Sending hugs and prayer your way. :) :)

Carolyn Phillips said...

Hi, you don't really know me because I have found your blog recently, but I so wanted to reply to this. You are incredibly brave to admit, even just here in blogland that you are struggling. I know only too well what it is like to try and deal with your own mental health whilst looking after a family that includes children with additional needs, and it sounds as if your son's needs are far greater than my daughters. I want to tell you that wherever you are right now, God is walking right beside you, holding your hand each and every step.
As Angi says, there is hope. Do seek it out. Holding you in my prayers.

Nilsa said...

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember the Lord never abandons his children he is right there. God Bless You!

Heather Landry said...

Dolores,

I don't judge you. I can understand where you are at here completely. I have a daughter with severe mental health issues and I so sympathize with you. It's not that you don't love him. I know you do. That's part of why you're so heartbroken. Just know that "ending it" is not the solution. Find someone to talk to... a therapist, a pastor, someone! You can do this. I will pray for you! (Hugs!)

Susie said...

I guess I understand God's leading today! I was feeling a bit under the weather so after doing all my usual computer stuff, not feeling up to doing anything other than sit, I went to my google reader where there are so many many blogs I follow that I don't remember why or how I started following many and very seldom get time to go to many of them. Well I clicked on your blog and first saw your wonderful canvas. I was going to comment but was urged to continue to the post before. I can tell you that I have a son that has put me through so much and made me feel like throwing in the towel so many times. But each time the Lord has sent someone or something to help me through these times. I have frequently felt an urging to write a book of the pain we have felt from all he put us through. I am so thankful for the stability of my other children. I will be praying for you and if you ever want to talk I would be glad to listen and encourage! kithcar@gmail.com Http://www.somanyscraps.blogspot.com I think the quote that has helped me the most is a quote from the book Let's Roll by Lisa Beamer the wife of Todd Beamer one of the heros from the plane that crashed on 9/11 in Pa. She said "My faith is real but so is the pain" this helped me to realize that it is okay to feel the pain, to cry, to cry out, to have bad feelings that they are not a sign you don't have faith, just prove that the pain is real! Bless you and I will be praying for you! GOD IS FAITHFUL

Leah Crowe said...

Oh D baby. No judgement here darling, just incredible hope for a brighter tomorrow for you all. I continue to pray for you and for Chris. Much love to you.. if u ever ever need to vent, call me. I am a good listener. xoxo