Sunday, April 6, 2008

Life as I remember...


I created a layout this week titled (why?), to some people I'm pretty sure it was offensive or hard to swallow. Well can you imagine having really lived it. How hard do you think it was for me not only to live it, but to created it. So if your thinking why did she create such a layout, I did it because it was a memory a bad one. Unfortunately there is a time in my head that has been blocked. For you to understand my journaling on my layout you need to understand what I remembered that day. The fear, of being left alone. Knowing that I was not wanted.
Before you read the journaling, let me explain my Unexpected at the age of 9 I found out that the man who I thought was my real father was not. My mother and him met when I was about 1yr old. Unforturnatly one of his cousins didn't like my mother and thought it would be a great idea to tell me the truth. Well from what I can understand, not what I remember because I do remember being told just don't remember the rest I went into a traumatic shock I was hospitalized because of the news for a week. I was told that I came out of the shock when I was told by my then stepfather that he would adopt me and give me his last name. This is where my journey begins.
Now for the journaling on my layout " I always wondered why I allowed you to adopt me at the age of 10. It was because I didn't want to be like Cinderella with 2 Step-sisters. I didn't want a [MEAN] step-father. I wanted to your daughter, i wanted to be loved by you! I was a child who was starving for affection. Who was ignorant to think that you would love me. I knew the truth, you were an abusive and violent man. You adopting me was not going to change that. All you changed was my last name. So many times you used my fear & love against my mother. You said I was lucky, because at least you gave me your last name. Well guess what I hated you with my every being. In an instant your personality changed. You were a loving, adoring father, but I realize now it's because you had a hidden agenda, you were just plain EVIL. Why? Did I let you adopt me, because I wanted to be loved. Was I wrong, NO I was a child. But NO MORE."

10 comments:

Robin (Tqmnurse) said...

Dolores.....Wow! This is such a familiar story to me. I was adopted when I was 2 by my step father....and experienced many of the things that you mentioned.....Our relationship today is much better than when I was a child, but I am always guarded and my children have never spent any time alone with him....
Many blessings to you
Robim

Diana said...

I'm so sorry that you had such a traumatic childhood. I hope that your scrapping these times will be therapeutic for you. I give you credit for being able to put yourself out there like that. {{hugs}}

ricanlaw said...

Wow Dolores. Wow. Good for you. I find that my very best layouts are the ones where I am the most honest. Thanks for sharing such a very emotional memory.

Christine said...

so powerful! You were a child and he an asshole. I'm sorry you went thru that. I wonder how you are stronger for it. Thank you for being honest, I love it.

Nat said...

Oh Dolores - what a childhood story!Thank you for sharing this!!!
My father died when I was just a baby and my stepfather came into my life when I was 12 - I was very lucky as my stepfather was a gorgeous man and stopped my very aggressive mother from being abusive furthermore! I can so see that you wanted to be loved - and my heart goes out to you! I'm sending you a huge hug!!!!

Tara James said...

thank you for your cmt! and congrats big time to you on Dream Girls!!!! I'm so excited for you and Debbie.

Brandy said...

you know more than anyone that life isn't always good and that if you just scrap the good stuff, you're leaving a lot of what makes you the person you are today unacknowledged. i will never be offended by honesty and if someone just wants to see layouts that are about their toddler's smile and the sunshine in the sky, i am sure they can keep moving. keep it up, d!

FlutterinbyGirl said...

Dolores, I'm so proud of you for doing that layout and putting yourself out there!! I hope you were able to clarify some things for yourself in doing so!

HUGs!

Michelle said...

(((HUGS))what a difficult subject to scrap!I am sure it was therapitic(sp?) for you!sorry you had to go through that horrible experience!

Jennie said...

Love ya, D :)